I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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