so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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