How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
