I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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