I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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