I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
