just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You need a sexual gate keeper
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
