im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
