my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
