Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
as a side note pls kill me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
