i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
