I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So here I am, sexting at work.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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