It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
