One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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