swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
