she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize