today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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