I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize