I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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