If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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