i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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