My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
