my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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