true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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