I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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