Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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