Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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