So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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