I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
