im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
