: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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