you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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