It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
