To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
