Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
