I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
