That's intense
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
