How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
