i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
