I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
