Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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