I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
