Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
