I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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