I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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