Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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