It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
