why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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