just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
