Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
