seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
