It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
