in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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