I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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