So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Pooping to opera.
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