i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
